Stations Journal Journey #23

Sept 19, 2025 

What a difference a day makes, so they say! Yesterday we found out that the Canada Council grant that we had worked very hard to apply for earlier this year was unsuccessful. These grant funds were the balance of our expected budget for this year. It’s a good thing this project was never about the money, but nevertheless, I must admit the news has rocked me with disappointment. Not because I will still not be able to pay myself more than pennies this year as I pour my heart, soul and body into the art day in and day out, but suddenly my thoughts are filled with concern for all the things I am financially committed to around it, plus my business which has been subsidising the costs. These are old patterns of worry, that much I recognize, but it feels like a deeply personal moment of challenge and trust to see this project through as I clear my calendar of all other work and income.

As I reflect on what the Stations have to teach me, the first that comes to mind is the one I just finished - #10, Jesus is Stripped of his Garments. I think of Jesus being entirely vulnerable as he becomes naked in front of his enemies. Rev. Gerald Donnelly wrote the reflection, and his words are: “...this convicted Jesus is about to be nailed to a cross to hang between two criminals. There he will be mocked, tortured, and shamed. Wasn’t all of this enough for God to demonstrate humility, ultimate love and forgiveness for us? Wasn’t the physical humiliation enough?  Wasn’t the spitting upon him enough? Wasn’t emotional pain enough? Wasn’t the whipping enough? Wasn’t being stripped of his freedom, modesty, and physical strength enough?...”

Part of what upends me in this moment of the project is my own narrative around the cost and sacrifice: isn’t 15 years of persistence enough? Isn’t the investment of time enough? Isn’t working 6 days a week in production enough? Aren’t the stiff, arthritic hands, elbow and neck I wake up with enough? Isn’t making sure I eat well, sleep well and lift weight to keep myself strong enough? Isn’t the courage it has demanded to fund raise and self-promote enough? Must I also invest money I don’t have to see this through?

When I was telling a friend about the drop of my blood that became infused in Station #8, she told me about indigenous wisdom she had learned about creating things with intentional imperfection so as to be gifted with humility. Perhaps that’s what this moment is gifting me with. Or rather, is gifting US with, because now there’s a whole team of us trying to birth this project into the world. I am deeply grateful for the support of this lovely team that God has blessed me with. I am deeply grateful to have had doors open with ease and the feeling of divine timing and guidance. I am deeply grateful to be learning to trust this above everything else. Yesterday, before the grant news,  I wrote that God had brought me here. And if that is true, then I have to trust that God is here with me in this moment as well. And that God will bring about the fruit that has been ripening and ripening. I can’t go back to the flowering stage; the fruit is forming. I trust that the harvest will be plentiful, and, again, more than I could have asked or imagined. This is what I trust for today.