Stations Journal Journey #26

Oct 8, 2025 

Recently, I was asked how this project is going. It felt like a loaded question. This project is at its most difficult point thus far. It has been hard. Even a struggle (sorry, @Margaret Wheatley, I know that word is supposed to be banished from my lexicon!). I have wanted to write an update but haven’t even known where to start. But here I am. Showing up.

I have been waking early every day to the most artistically challenging work of my 30+ year artistic career. The past 2 weeks have been filled with Station #11 - Jesus is Crucified. My assistant has been coming to the studio every day and together we have been faithfully, persistently trudging through the steps; eating this elephant one bite at a time. There have turned out to be nearly 300 pieces of fabric (the average has been 160). Yesterday we came very close to adhering all the pieces together; just the face left to go. And I actually uttered the words, for the first time, please don’t let this defeat me now. 

I know that every big project I do has a moment where I don’t like it. When I’m so close to it that I can’t see the beauty, majesty, awesomeness, or creative genius, and this feels like that moment. Perhaps it’s because I have loved #11 as my favourite since it was designed, and held such strong imaginings for this piece. All I see is how dark the gray pieces of Jesus’ body are compared to the the white background, how dark his lips are, how saturated the colours that are meant to be his Spirit beginning to leave his body are, how dark the pieces of shiny silk look from every other angle but directly in front, how messy this many pieces are beginning to look, how my style of intimating shapes even when I’m not sure what they are in reality has led to this messiness and over-piecing, how I’m not even finished the eyes yet and those pieces will be tinier still, yet I LOVE them about this piece and want to do them justice…

When I was designing this Station, years ago now, I remember wondering how in God’s name I would possibly be able to draw Jesus - GOD! - in eyes and nakedness and the emotionally charged suffering of crucifixion. I went for my pre-work walk and remembered Jesus’ scriptural words: my God, my God, why have you forsaken me.  Jesus felt lost in at least one moment. I came back to the studio and said to God, as I did each time I came before my drawing paper, I don’t have a clue how to do this. 

When a design idea finally came, it was strong in my mind. I ended up turning the lights in the studio off and half-closing my eyes so as to translate what was in my imagination onto paper. I emptied myself to the divine. To this day I still don’t know how I did that drawing.

And so I offer this again today. God, I don’t have a clue how to do this. How can I be the one whose hands nail you to the cross? How can I create those pained eyes that see deep into me and every living thing? How can I, mere human, emulate your Spirit as it begins to separate from your body? How can I complete this series and get you closer to the unfinished ending of the tomb?

What can I trust for today?

That you are closer than my breath. That nothing will separate me from your love, neither life nor death, neither height nor depth, indeed, nothing in all creation. That you are the most genius of all Artists out there! That Christ lives within me. That just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, I will be inspired and directed by this same Spirit living within me. That finish or not, I am living out your will.

Work in me this day again, Creative Genius. May the mastery that you have gifted me with be infused with yours.

May it be so.